That Killing Loneliness
by WerewolfCookie
Summary: Angsty Maicentric Maikoflavoured oneshot about why Mai is the way she is and about her relationships with Azula, TomTom and Zuko.


_A/N: I know I should be working on Darker Days, because I'm horrible and haven't updated for months, but I needed a break after doing a whole lot of work on it last week (I'm almost ready to post the next chapter!) so I decided to write this. I think Mai gets a lot of undeserved hatred, and this is just one idea of why Mai is the way she is, why she doesn't seem to care about Tom-Tom, etc. It's not really one for Azula fans, but I don't hate Azula as much as my Mai does, I just think she makes a great antagonist._

I still remember clearly the first time I met Azula. I was young, about five or six. My father was visiting the palace to speak to the Fire Lord, and I had begged to go with him, to see the palace. When we arrived my father left me for his conference with Fire Lord Azulon, and I was left alone. I didn't dare wander the palace, so I sat on the floor with the doll I had brought. I can remember it vividly; my father had given it to me, and its hair was so pretty, black and glossy and tied up in bunches on either side of its head with red satin ribbons. I loved that doll, and I wore my hair just like it. Sitting alone on the floor of the palace, I held the doll in my lap, stroking its hair and playing games of imagination.

I don't know how long I sat there before a woman walked by, with a boy and a girl about my age. I heard her say to the girl, "Look, Azula. That little girl is all alone. Why don't you go and say hello to her?"

The girl rolled her eyes, but stalked over to me as the woman and boy left. I remained seated, looking up at her. It didn't occur to me to bow or curtsy; I had no idea who she was. She looked me over for a second.

"Nice doll," she said.

I smiled. "Thanks. My daddy gave it to me," I replied.

"It kinda looks like you, don't you think? The hair and all," she continued. "Do you wanna play a game with that doll?"

I was already playing a game with the doll, but I nodded, glad to have someone else to play with. "What game are we playing?" I asked innocently.

Azula pulled the doll from my hands. "We're playing a special game. It's called 'Execution'," she told me, and in an instant my doll was in flames. The black hair shrivelled and burned, and the pretty red ribbons turned black. I cried out, and Azula grinned at me and extinguished the flames. By now the doll was little more than ashes. I knelt and held the charred remains in my hands, sobbing.

"Sorry about that," said Azula, insincerely. "But it wasn't a very nice doll anyway. You won't miss it."

I looked up at her through my tears. She held out a hand and lifted me to my feet. "I'm Princess Azula."

"I'm Mai," I sniffled in response.

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At that time, it didn't really occur to me that Azula destroyed the doll because she could tell I loved it. It also didn't occur to me that maybe the execution of a doll that looked a bit like me was the young Azula's way of threatening me. After that day, Azula started requesting my company. When my father visited the palace, he was ordered to bring me with so that I could be a companion for Azula. Other girls were brought for Azula to play with, but she tired of all except me and one other. The other was, of course, Ty Lee. Ty Lee and I were the closest thing Azula had to friends, but "toys" was closer to the truth. Azula felt no affection for either of us, as far as I could tell. We were just there to play with. Over those few years I started to learn that Azula would use any sign of weakness to her advantage. She had used my obvious love for that doll against me, and she would use anything else I gave her.

Every time I came to the palace to play with Azula, I'd see her brother Zuko. The two of them were so different. Where she was cruel, he was kind. Where she was cool and collected, he was awkward and shy. Zuko was the opposite of Azula, and in a way, that was what I liked about him. I started to almost look forward to my palace visits, just so that I could see Zuko. I'd greet him when I saw him, and he'd usually give me a confused look and a slightly embarrassed "hey".

Unfortunately for me, Azula noticed my growing interest in her brother. One day Ty Lee and Azula were doing gymnastics. I had chosen to sit out, telling Azula that I couldn't do any of the tricks she could do because I knew she'd like to hear that. When I saw Azula push Ty Lee to the ground I knew I'd made a wise decision; I was learning. But I obviously hadn't learned enough, because when Azula asked me to play a game with her and Zuko, I was foolish enough to agree. One embarrassing series of events later, I was sitting in the fountain with a blushing Zuko on top of me. After that day he never replied or looked me in the eye when I greeted him.

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That day I realised that Azula had used my feelings to hurt and humiliate me and someone I cared about. I knew that I couldn't let her do that to me anymore, so I started to disguise my emotions. I didn't laugh or smile, nor did I cry. I assumed a mask of constant boredom. It was the only way I knew how to protect myself. My parents were concerned about me at first, but eventually they came to accept the change in me.

I stayed that way during my time at the Fire Nation Academy for Girls, and eventually it became second nature. I had complete control over my emotions, and I kept up my façade even when I wasn't with Azula. In fact, there was only one day during my time at the Academy when I almost lost control.

I remember it very clearly; I was thirteen, Ty Lee and Azula were twelve. Word came that Zuko was to fight in an Agni Kai against his own father. Azula was excited – how someone could be excited about their own brother's imminent doom was beyond me – and I was distraught. I felt sure that Zuko would lose, that something awful would happen. It took every bit of self-control in my body not to burst into tears in front of Azula. Azula left that day to watch the Agni Kai, and Ty Lee went with her. I chose not to go, and hoped desperately that Azula would think I declined because of indifference. In reality, it was because I couldn't bear to see Zuko get hurt.

Ty Lee told me about what happened afterwards. When I found out, I locked myself in my room and cried. I didn't even care if Azula heard me; there was no way she could cause me any more pain than what I was already feeling. Strangely, after that one night of emotion, I felt even number than I had before.

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It wasn't long after Zuko's exile that my mother wrote to me to tell me she was pregnant. I remember going to visit her after the baby was born. Azula insisted on accompanying me, telling me how happy for me she was. I wasn't fooled.

When I saw my new baby brother in my mother's arms I was overjoyed, even though I didn't show it. I had always wanted to be a big sister.

"Look at him, Mai, isn't he beautiful?" gushed my mother.

He was beautiful, the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. But all I said was, "I guess."

"His name is Tom-Tom," she continued. "Would you like to hold him?"

I wanted nothing more than to hold my beautiful baby brother, but one glance at Azula warned me against it. "No thanks. It'll probably spit up on me," I replied.

"But Mai, you've always wanted a little brother!"

I forced myself to roll my eyes and say, "That was when I was a child, Mother."

She gave me a hurt look. "You've changed a lot, Mai."

I wanted to tell her that I was still the same Mai, that I loved my brother, that I only wanted to keep him safe. But Azula was standing a few feet away, watching the whole scene with great interest. I knew that if I really cared about Tom-Tom I would have to emotionally distance myself from him. It was for his own good.

"I have to go, Mother," I said, turning to leave.

Behind me I heard Azula say to my mother, "Congratulations. He's a beautiful baby. You must be proud."

And it hurt me that Azula could say that to my mother, and I couldn't.

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I became paranoid, obsessed with concealing my feelings, even when Azula wasn't there. I wouldn't let myself express the slightest bit of emotion. Eventually the apathy stopped being an act. I stopped really caring about anything; it wasn't difficult, considering I felt no affection for my "friends" and they felt none for me, and considering my family, put off by my change of personality, distanced themselves from me in the same way I distanced myself from them. When you don't care about other people, everything else starts to lose meaning too. One person I still cared for, deep down, was Tom-Tom, but I forced myself not to show it. I didn't even let myself touch him.

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My father was governor of Omashu at that time, and had the old Earthbender king held captive. At about the same time Azula and Ty Lee arrived in Omashu, the Avatar and his friends kidnapped my brother, to trade for the Earthbender. I masked it well, but I was distraught. Tom-Tom was the only thing that I cared about; I couldn't let him be taken like that. Together Azula and I arranged to trade the old king for my brother. At the last minute, however, Azula decided to try one of her games. Maybe she knew how much I cared about Tom-Tom, and was trying to use it against me. I remember looking at the Avatar, and at the girl he was with. That girl – I later found out that her name was Katara – seemed so gentle and motherly, holding Tom-Tom the way I had always yearned to. I didn't think she was capable of killing a toddler. Azula, on the other hand, wouldn't think twice about hurting Tom-Tom. In fact, she'd probably enjoy it. I hesitated for a moment, then refused to hand over the Earthbender. If Azula was testing me, I had passed.

When Azula asked me to join her on her little mission I agreed purely out of boredom, like I told her. I didn't realise until later that asking me to join was just another of Azula's little games. She hadn't asked me to join her because of my skill with weapons; there were plenty of others within the Fire Nation who were more skilled with projectile weapons than me, such as the Yu Yan archers. Azula had asked me to join her because she thought it would be fun, seeing me struggle with capturing Zuko and delivering him into the hands of death. Once I realised this it sparked a powerful emotion in me; hatred. I realised how much I hated Azula for doing this to me, and how much I hated myself for letting her. I stayed with Azula, but I began to stop caring about being hurt by her. What did it matter anymore? I didn't care whether I lived or died, or whether anyone else did. I obeyed her only when it was convenient for me, and didn't care about the consequences.

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Azula was killed in the final battle. Ty Lee and I were spared; Ty Lee because she willingly joined the Avatar and his friends, and me because I didn't even try to defend myself, and no one among the Avatar's army could bring themselves to kill a defenceless girl. Sometimes I almost wished they had. After Azula died Ty Lee was distraught; even though she hadn't always agreed with Azula's actions, she had cared about Azula a lot. I should have felt grief for the death of a friend, or vindictive satisfaction for the death of an enemy, but I felt neither. Azula's death failed to move me in any way. All I felt was the familiar self-loathing; I hated myself for not caring.

Years passed. Fire Nation cities had been all but destroyed by the battle, but the palace was still largely intact and so Ty Lee and I stayed there. The Avatar and his close friends stayed too, to help Zuko rebuild his kingdom. At first they tried to befriend me, to understand me, but I was so unresponsive that they all gave up. Ty Lee stayed with me for some time, but after she became involved with the Water Tribe warrior she spent less and less time with me. I was all alone.

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Three years after the battle, when I was eighteen, I decided it was finally time to repair the damage I'd done to myself and to the people I had cared about. I had to start showing my feelings, showing people how much I actually loved them. I knew that Tom-Tom was in the Fire Nation capitol, helping as well as a five-year-old could with the repairs to the city. I was still staying in the palace, so I had Tom-Tom summoned to the palace and brought up to my room.

When he arrived he looked bewildered. I had barely spoken to him in the last five years, and I guess he couldn't imagine what I wanted with him. He stood in the doorway, confused, as I walked over to him and smiled. I could tell by his face that the smile didn't reassure him at all; if anything it made him more uneasy. "Tom-Tom," I whispered. "How are you? How are repairs going?" I wanted us to talk, to make up for all the years of talking that we didn't do.

"Mai?" he asked nervously. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong, it's just..." I pulled him into a hug. "Tom-Tom, you know that I love you, right?"

Frightened by my unusual behaviour, Tom-Tom pulled away and backed out the door. "I gotta go, Mai," he said weakly, then ran away. And I did something I hadn't done for years. I cried.

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I don't know how long I knelt in the doorway, sobbing, before I heard my name. Looking up through tear-filled eyes I saw a startled-looking Zuko standing in front of me. "Mai?" he said again, sounding concerned. "Mai, are you alright?"

Before I knew what I was doing I was on my feet with my arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder. I could sense his shock, but rather than pulling away like Tom-Tom had, he wrapped his arms around me. It felt so good being held by him that I half-considered telling him I loved him and always had. I decided against it though; one rejection was enough for one day. Love confessions could wait; for now I was satisfied with him stroking my hair and assuring me that everything would be alright. And in that moment I felt something else that I hadn't felt for what seemed like an eternity; happiness.

_A/N: Um, yeah. It's almost unbearably angsty, isn't it? My inner emo was dying to write this. Constructive criticism is appreciated, I'm kinda worried that the ending feels a bit rushed but let me know what you think._


End file.
